Fake it until you make it, or rough it until you’ve sussed it?

I have spent my whole life feeling different, not belonging, never really fitting in and although I have managed to hide this (people are always amazed when I tell them I am naturally very introverted), I had never understood why and where it came from; I just thought it was ‘who I was’ and that I had to learn to manage it and live with it - a bit like diabetes.

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It was leaving a meeting one day when I had my epiphany.

On this occasion, I really needed to run and get the bus as the meeting was in a remote part of the world and the buses back home were every hour.

As I went to leave, I could not seem to find a voice to say goodbye to everyone. It was not a large room, but I just couldn’t call out loudly and say goodbye and at the same time, I didn’t just want to sneak out.

I, therefore, quite timidly said, ‘bye’ whilst putting my hand in the air very quickly - think up and straight down (more of a gesture to try and be human than really wanting anyone to hear and see me) and made my way to the door, head down.

As I was walking to the bus stop, I started to hear the voices in my head do their usual character assassination: ‘Why didn’t you just call out properly, Layla’, ‘Why can’t you just say goodbye to people? You’ve been in a room with them for three hours, they will think it is rude’, ‘‘They won’t actually care, Layla because no one really knows why you are there anyway’ and so on.

But because I am on a constant journey of self-discovery and self-development, I asked myself some questions, ‘Why did I always feel awkward in those situations? ‘Why did I not feel able to say goodbye?’ and then came the BIG question, the one that buzzed around in my head and gave me clarity for the first time in my life - ‘ Why did I think that no-one would be bothered if I said goodbye to them or not?’

I thought about this and I was amazed that within just a few minutes, I had completely transformed a huge part of my life.

I have always found interacting with people I do not know very well, very difficult, whether in a work or social sense because I would have to speak with people and who would want to speak with me self-doubt would come out.

I have always felt not good enough, freaky, weird and as a result, have always been self-deprecating and the person to apologise when someone would bash into me.

And whenever I tell people I am shy, they stand back in disbelief. People have actually responded with a ‘Shut up! You?’ because I am the one that will stand up in front of judges and magistrates and give presentations at the last minute because someone else pulled out, or deliver training to a room full of disgruntled volunteers who wouldn’t even speak or look at me because they disliked me so much (very long story).

However, I have never done those things because I wanted to; I did them because there was no other choice, I had to.

But that is me. I want to develop all the time and so although there were certain situations I would dread, I would always think that I had at least done it, I had pushed myself out of my comfort zone, even though I would still beat myself up about what I could have done better, replaying conversations over and over in my head, cringing and dissecting everything.

But the point is, I got through it and would try at least to take some learning from it.

Therefore, my insecurities would not really prevent me from taking on challenges, but... I would still always feel the same afterwards. Sure, there may have been a quick buzz of satisfaction, but then a few days later, the self-doubt and imposter syndrome would kick back in.

And so it would continue, getting through challenges but not feeling that change, that success in my core. Faking it until I made it, but always feeling as if I was faking it. Having to be someone that I wasn’t really, but would really quite like to be.

So, back to my epiphany and the question - Why do I think that no-one would be bothered if I said goodbye to them or not?

One of the big issues of being an adult is that we are still carrying around a lot of who we were as a child. Therefore, if you were the fat kid at school, you will always identify as the fat kid. If you never did well in exams at school, you will identify yourself as being stupid.

I was the kid at school who was quite ostracized. My mother was a Jehovah’s Witness and my father was not. Therefore, there was constant conflict.

When you are a Jehovah’s Witness (at least back then) the ‘congregation’ preferred families to have both parents ‘in the truth’ meaning, we were always the odd ones out. To add to that, we were quite poor, always wearing second-hand clothes and were quite often late to the meetings. Basically, I felt that we stuck out like a sore thumb.

To add to this, it meant that I could not engage with friends at school in ways that most people would think was a normal part of being a functioning human being. I wasn’t allowed to celebrate friends birthdays, or when everyone got excited about Christmas, I would have to take a step back. or when there were group sleepovers to watch movies and have midnight feasts, I wasn’t allowed to go in case I was ‘turned’ and eventually, I became different.

And the more ostracised and different I felt, the more I would widen the gap by doing things that would get me noticed and liked, but that actually, just widened the gap.

One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was eat a whole apple. Pips. Core. Everything. I remember standing there, pretending to be totally unphased, as if it was normal, desperately waiting for someone to say, ‘ Urgh, you eat the whole thing?’, to which I shrugged nonchalantly and responded with ‘Yeah, so’, like it was not a big deal at all and doesn’t everyone do it?

I can laugh at that now.

The worst part was when I was 14. I remember we were just about to break up for the Easter holidays and my friend and I had made a pact to get a haircut during the school break. I had really long brown hair and for some reason, I decided that I would get what was essentially back then known as a ‘pixie cut’.

I remember having this ‘100’ hairstyles booklet that I had got free with a magazine, and had focussed on this really pretty model and was set on having all my hair chopped off. I genuinely think I believed that I would look like the model and of course, I was devastated when the hair was cut and there I was, sat in the hairdresser’s chair, looking like a boy.

To top it all off, when I went back to school, everyone knew it looked awful and one boy, in particular, would call me, Gareth because from the back, my head looked like just one of the boys in my class - bear in mind that I wore skirts to school.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not agree with people being sheep, but don’t be fooled that this made me stronger. I was a child that needed peer acceptance and this ostracisation destroyed me for years, decades.

Therefore, although I knew all of this in my adult life and had now managed to look back and laugh at it, I had for some reason ( I have no idea why) never connected the dots.

The truth was, the reason I didn’t think people would care if I said goodbye, was because I still felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb, different to everyone, I didn’t belong; I was Gareth, not Layla. I was the kid that couldn’t join in. I was the kid that was no fun I guess. Who would be bothered if I was in the room or not?

I cannot tell you how dramatically this epiphany has changed me.

I have always known that not everyone will like you and that has never bothered me.

What I didn’t realise was, that you can be so deeply affected by things that happen to you when you are younger. Early experiences can form a bond to you as strong as Gorilla Tap (has anyone ever used that stuff?) that you do not ever think to question, ‘Why am I the way I am?.

I am an adult now and I have a voice. I can make decisions for myself and I don’t have to be tormented by my younger years, any longer.

Action to take: If you ever feel the same, try and reflect back, see if you can pinpoint where these behaviours/thoughts came from. If you can put them to bed, you will feel better instantly and will be able to live your truest life.

And that is a revelation.